Today in the Bonheur Club, we welcome Thomas from Ansembourg.
In this episode, Thomas d'Ansembourg, expert in Non-Violent Communication and author of numerous works including Stop being nice, be real or Does our way of being an adult make sense and desire for young people? Thomas talks to us about non-violent communication and kindness. How to cultivate it? How to learn to better verbalize your anger? He also gives us his advice for cultivating a world of peace, filled with freedom, responsibility and happiness. Are you ready to get better?
What is nonviolent communication?
It is the fruit of the observation that human beings try to live their needs: the material need, survival, interaction, sharing, affection and the more spiritual need with accomplishment, realization and sacredness etc. .
We are well when we understand our needs and see how to implement them, we are happy and buoyed by life. But also when we understand each other's needs well. Conversely, we are less well off when we do not understand our needs, we have difficulty identifying them and implementing and nourishing them. Quite often violence is triggered by lack of a good understanding of our needs and the ability to express them in a positive way with others.
Non-violent communication invites us to better understand our needs in order to be able to better understand the feelings and needs of others, to create connections and fruitful bonds!
Does nonviolent communication include the way we talk to ourselves or is it external communication?
It’s above all a communication with oneself, Thomas tells us. Even if it is a relevant relational tool, it is also a tool for listening to others, but before that, it is a tool for self-knowledge to enter into the intimacy of what we really are. . The benefit of non-violent communication is to anchor ourselves in the real person that we are so that we can better understand our potential and our resources. Thomas observes that with this anchoring there is an effect of upward verticality, an awakening of consciousness to have more discernment and capture more inspiration. It is therefore a very relevant horizontal but also vertical tool for self-knowledge.
How can we learn non-violent communication?
Thomas explains to us that non-violent communication is learned as a process of integration little by little. It is a change of habit, of formulation, of reference to leave the balance of power. We must therefore learn to unlearn by force and relearn the relationships of collaboration, sharing, mutual aid and listening. It's like a new language, it's by practicing it that we will acquire fluency. It’s a real life perspective.
How to deal with violence while being angry?
By observing anger as Thomas tells us. Violence is often the result of acting out anger that we did not take the time to see was rising within us. We must therefore listen to ourselves: what is going well and also what is going less well, such as sadness and anger. You have to share a feeling with the other person (for example frustration) and express a need (to talk to each other) before anger takes over.
How to avoid what is left unsaid? What are your tips?
We must awaken our lucidity! We would be much more at peace if we learned to express our anger on time, in the right measure and to the right person rather than waiting for it to explode.
In our current society, is it more difficult to enter into a process of non-violent communication?
This is particularly necessary in the current period. Indeed, confinement can be a laboratory for relationships with oneself, with others and with life! We are brought back to basics and it is an opportunity to grow and grow together!
What are your tips for starting this journey?
It all starts with the decision to leave which brings tensions, division etc. in our systems of thought and language. Then establish relational hygiene that co-creates “we”. We must stop the cult of misfortune, as Thomas calls it: attaching ourselves to what is not going well, bad news, having a certain taste for drama, adding to it, etc. We must also leave the culture of power struggles to create relationships of collaboration, empathy and sharing. Also realizing what is going well in our day, our week and even our life allows us to refocus on ourselves to better reach out to others.
Do you have any advice for cultivating kindness?
By healing our wounds, Thomas tells us. It starts with ourselves and we bring tenderness, love, gentleness to the human being that we are.
Finally, Thomas d'Ansembourg gives us his advice and recommendations by playing the “Tonic Quiz” game (quick questions - quick answers):
- A book to recommend: Mutual aid, the other law of the jungle by Pablo Servin and Gauthier Chapelle
- An activity to calm down? Walk and run outside and be around beautiful things
- A non-violent word? "I'm listening to you"
- Any final advice for listeners? Bring gentleness, kindness and kindness!
Find Thomas on his website https://www.thomasdansembourg.com/ , on Facebook @Thomasdansembourg and a documentary to celebrate 20 years of his book Cease to be kind be true as well as all his other books in bookstores.
We'll see you next week for a new episode of Club Bonheur.
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